I haven't talked about the group, the Lackzoom Acidophilus for a while. What’s' so funny about that? I hear you sniggering in the back rows! There's not much gets passed me sharply pointed ears. Come to think about it there is a laughable problem: nothing funny here, at least not anything new that is funny. The Web Site, www.lackzoom.org, has not changed one iota (how much is an iota? just another damned foreign term creeping in to our pristine American language.) since its night of inception. But we have vowed to have a commencement date of April 1, 2002. Surely you see the significance! Hey, wait a minute May 1, 2002 is the celebration we were talking about. Wow, here is a gargantuan idea. I am stunned as I sit here thinking and chewing a cup of very black and tarry coffee left in the microwave about two weeks ago, that no one has really thought of this before. Hello, World, Joe is about to put forth one original idea. One to add to my plank when I run for president, although I think I have a winner already. I swear that if I become the president of the United States of America. I will run on one issue (anon I'll muck it up with another): I don't really care who decides, perhaps a lottery of immense proportion is in order, but that person, place or thing will decide and put to rest something that is holding the whole of construction in the world - namely - Philips or slotted! Do not mock me and talk to me about Torx or Roberston, they are and remain peculiar abominations, a hex on... hey what about hex? And those hermaphroditic Philips/Slotted combinations. Hmmm, this is definitely more complex than I thought. My plank is looser than I thought. Sirrah, hand me please, a screwdriver. What's that you say? Uhhh I guess a Philips....
Okay new plank in my platform. Let the beginning day of each month be named after some frivolous activity and create a new patron saint to make medals for the dashboards of our cars. Look I know this is mixing the state and religion, but I think the ACLU might give me a pass this once. I haven't got them all figured out now but a few have the ring of authenticity. November 1, National Nitpicking Day in honor of Saint Caspar Melchiortoast. or August 1, National Vacational Road kill Day in honor of Saint Peta the Beast, or one last effort March 1 National Act like a Lemming Day in honor of Saint Victoria of the Falls. Any suggestions?
Now for the invention that will yet make me a rich man. I'm sure you have had the problem of a stripped nut or bolt, the edges terrible rounded off. I have the solution! A closed end wrench that by virtue of being completely round fits perfectly over the troubled head of the bolt, nut or lag screw. This idea alone will revolutionize the world. How about, and I can't begin to tell you how thrilled I get just thinking about this, a solar powered flashlight. Yes, friends, it gets its power, for free, from the sun and like those solar calculators you know and love, it will also work without a worry in a lighted room. I have more but I am reluctant to write them in such a public place. Don't worry, you're gonna hear bigger and even better things from me!