3/25/2002 6:14 PM Monday
Hamsters into butter I churn.

I spent the first three days of last week in Kansas City, MO at a place called the Crown Center, which is an inner city mall that closes around 6 PM and is comprised of the Westin Crown Center Hotel and the Hyatt Regency, a court full with gushing fountains, the world headquarters for Hallmark Cards, three floors of middle to upscale shops and the Link. The yearly convention of the International Institute of Ammonia Refrigeration. Me, gosh, a new member.

I pulled off exit 2Q from I-70 (I had spent about 850 miles on I-70 with a stop over in Columbia MO to visit my daughter and was glad for a brief moment to be at the end of the rainbow) about 4 PM on Sunday, March 17, 2002 and stared at a gaggle of police cruisers with twirling red lights directly in the path of the street that my map insisted was the key to my destination. ‘Oh, dear,’ I thought. I would have thought something a bit more crusty and salty but I was on my best behavior in a completely foreign city. I turned left, there seemed little choice.

You did notice that I carefully mentioned the date of my arrival. Even my feeble brain put together, exposed as it was to piles of green crepe being swept from the streets, and folks with silver and green plastic top hats sporting four leaf clovers, and leprechauns singin’ “Dee dee dee dee doo!”, the fact that I was facing the aftermath of the Kansas City Saint Patrick’s Day Parade.

A couple traffic lights and I saw a cop at one of the street blockades, rolled down the window and asked, meek as an Italian caught in the throes of the glory of Ireland, “Uh, excuse me, how do you get to Crown Center?” He looked daggers at me and then raised his eyebrows as if to say, “How can you be so stupid?” but said instead, “Crown Center, that’s all the way back there!” thumb pointing opposite my present travel. No doubt the direction I would have been heading had I not been cut off by parked and glowing and growling police cruisers. He added, “Go up to the corner, turn left at the light and then go a block and turn left again.” I added up two left turns, being no slouch in eighth grade geometry and figured that I would be heading 180°; directly opposite my current vector. I thanked him; cut across three lanes of traffic made the two turns and headed toward my new temporary residence.

Dumb luck and I found a handy parking space in the subterranean garage directly below the hotel. I checked in, got to my room, called the people I was to meet and immediately discovered that I had booked a room at the more inconvenient hotel. I had to travel two city blocks to get to the convention hall. And travel I did that two blocks every day at least three times, but I traveled the Link.

The Link connects the hotels and various buildings that make up the Crown Center via a two story above the ground walkway that looks like, well, that looks like those tubes that connect Hamster abodes to Hamster playgrounds. I spent three days and nights surprised that I did not find a large water bottle with stainless steel tube affixed. Regulated by a ball that would feed liquid as it was pushed mercilessly by my thirsting tongue. Something to quench my considerable thirst as I arrived at various destinations. Hot as it was in the link, I would have enjoyed dribbling the water down the front of my shirt as I vigorously, licked, sucked, gnawed and guzzled. And where the hell was the wheel? I so looked forward to cavorting and trying to climb the endless path afforded me by the Sisyphean Hamster Wheel. How different is it from the treadmill that engages, tortures me each morning at the health club? I believe that I did find pellets, but will say not one more word more about that!

The convention was a success and my trips hither and yon in the Link encouraged me to avoid the dastardly exercise devices on Floor Five. My exit from Kansas City was far more straightforward and gracious. 850 miles on I-70 East after a stop over in Columbia, MO and I was able to hit drive time traffic on the Parkway East. Not so many miles to go, but a good half hour before I could sleep.