Minutus cantorum, minutus balorum, minutus carborata descendum pantorum.


Visit www.joecoluccio.com

 
Thurday, September 18
Somewhere in the Iraqi Desert

Dear Reader(s),

I can't tell you precisely where I am, for two reasons: 1) security, and 2) I don't know. Anyway, I just wanted to let you that I've captured Saddam Hussein. The old ace of spades. He's right here. I just kind of snuck up on him at this Middle Eastern restaurant last night. He was looking around for a waiter, and when he held his hand up, I slapped a pair of Chinese finger handcuffs on his index fingers, so don't worry, he won't get away.

He was eating all by himself. I kind of felt a little sorry for him, being all alone. I guess there's nothing like a violent overthrow of your government to find out who your friends really are. But he looks good. He's put on a few pounds, but that's to be expected since he's not that busy these days running the government. He says he sits around all day and watches CNN. One thing, his hair is all grey. I didn't know he colored it. I'm going to lend him a bottle of my Just For Men.

I asked him about the weapons of mass destruction. I just had to know, like everyone else. He told me we've got it all wrong. He said he never had any, not unless you count the little bit of poison gas he had back in the '90s. That incident with the Kurds was a mistake. He was just trying to get rid of it. It's all gone now anyway, he assured me. He says he wouldn't know what to do with an atomic bomb if someone gave him one as a Ramadan present.

Oh, and he says he's sorry he called George Bush the bastard step-child of the Republican party. He was just kidding. He wishes we could go back to the old days, when Iraq and America were buddy-buddy, when we used to give him millions of dollars and guns. He got kind of teary-eyed at that point. He asked me, when I turn him in, could he and George Bush could have their debate. I said, "Saddam, what can I tell you? I'd pay money to see that one myself."

I told him I was sorry about his sons, but they should have given themselves up. He said he couldn't agree more, and in fact he had told them to wave the white flag, but they wouldn't listen to him, and evidently never had. He said it's not easy raising two boys and being the head of an outlaw state. He pointed out that even George Bush had trouble with his kids. At least that was something the two of them could commiserate on..

I said well what about your ties to Osama Bin Laden. He really chuckled at that one. He said the only time he and Osama were linked was on a comedy skit he saw on Saturday Night Live. By the way, he really misses American television. He wanted to know if they have t.v. at Gitmo. I don't know if they do. Well, they probably do have the dish.

I'll be bringing him in soon. Exactly when, where, and how I cannot reveal at this time. I've got to work out the details of that reward money first.
posted by marc at Thursday, September 18, 2003